Reach Out and Touch Someone?

Recently at a wedding, I was speaking with a woman I did not know. She was telling me that her daughter had just started her career as a hair stylist. (I think that is currently the politically correct moniker.) It used to be beauty parlor. What was wrong with that by the way? Who doesn’t want to be made beautiful? And, since when did the word parlor lose favor. Oh well, later. The woman said to me, “I can hardly stand to touch anyone and here she is with her hands on strangers all day.” Huh? Who would you rather befriend? Are you a toucher? Do you hold your friend’s hand (same sex) when you walk down the street? Do you really hug your family and friends or is it just one of those ‘move in’ and ‘pat pat’ hugs. Now don’t be too quick to answer. But do answer. Touching is one of my favorite subjects and I promise to keep the subject going for awhile.

(Photo by Jill Greenseth at http://www.flickr.com/photos/blah_oh_well/; license details there.)

How to Deliver Sensitive Advice / Information

Andy Griffith steered Opie through the perils of growing up by telling him stories about himself, Aunt Bee, Barney, Gomer, Goober and Floyd. Can you imagine sitting your 15 year old down to discuss why she should not wear her newly purchased $150 jeans so low that she has to spend an extra $75 waxing and starting with “one time when Aunt Bee was about your age….”? I am just not sure where the story would go from there. Mostly you would get that “and this has what to do with me” look. Or an even bigger stretch might be trying to give a life lesson to a newly hired MBA grad by relating how Floyd behaved his first days on the job.

So if Barney and Goober are of no help, how do we as parents, spouses, bosses, employees and just plain folks help the people around us see the light? The ability to give advice that enhances something besides your own ego is challenging. Try this 4-step TEST and let me know how it goes.

1. TEST 1
   Is your advice really solid advice that can be backed up with some empirical data or is it simply personal opinion? If the latter–STOP.
   




2. TEST 2
   Is it really advice or are you camouflaging a counter perspective and are too much of a weenie to step up and directly disagree. Either way, this is not solid ground for advice giving.
   




3. TEST 3
   Has your advice been asked for? If yes to #1 and #3 proceed. If nobody asked you then probably nobody cares. And, even if they do care and it is good advice, the fact that you gave your ‘recommendation’ without being invited to do so does something to the chemical activity in the brain causing thoughts similar to “who appointed you Dear Abby” to dance in the part of the brain that has the aggravation function.
   
   SUB-PART A OF TEST 3
   If your counsel has not been asked for, is it urgent that you give it anyway? And, if you feel you must give the advice, is there a way to give information and not make a behavioral recommendation which for some reason the human species defies? For example, “A large snake lives in that hole you are about to step in” versus “Don’t put your foot in that hole, there is a snake in there and he is going to bite you.” I guarantee the latter will at least some percentage of the time cause an otherwise rational person to put his foot in the snake hole just to prove you wrong.
   




4. TEST 4
   Are you the right messenger? Regardless, by all means try to hand the job off to someone else. You will be better off for it in the end.

Among the Best of the Best!

Someone from my office turned me onto this relatively new website that is creating quite a buzz in the blogging world. Alltop works like an online magazine rack and collects stories from “all the top” sites on the web and groups these collections into Alltop sites for topics such as photography, celebrity gossip and politics just to name a few. They just added a new category called Speaking which features the top sites on the web that focus on presentations, public speaking and communication. I am proud to say my zblog is now featured on the site!

So, zblog readers – Go check out the site – it is an interesting site that highlights a variety of blogs and websites in a quick and user-friendly way!

And to those Alltop users new to my blog – welcome! If there is a topic you are interested in, shoot me an email and I will do my best to cover it!

A Blast From The Past!

I got an email from an old friend today. And while I call him a friend frankly the relationship was much less at the time. Just under 20 years ago he interned for me. I doubt I have seen him since. I certainly had not heard from him in years and had done nothing much on my end to keep the connection. So, how did I feel when I saw his name on my email? Good. I know many of you are sitting out there right now looking at old address books and email lists wondering if you shoud, could make contact. What stops us most of the time? Insecurity. Does this person want to hear from me? Will he think I want something? Will she even remember me? Why hasn't he contacted me, did I do something? What would I say? And on and on and on. Surprise yourself and don't wait until you send out your Christmas cards. Make a call, send an email, mail a postcard. As long as you are not looking for money, it is heartwarming to know that anyone remembers me and wants me to know they are thinking about me. Your old friends, acquaintances and yes, even lovers, will feel the same. Find that X. Now you are really reaching out.

Dress To Impress?!

In my quest to get out more in the blogosphere, I read a recent post in the WSJ Law Blog about Women Litigators and their Courtroom Footwear Dilemma. The question posed – if a woman litigator “appeared before an 80-year-old male judge in something actually comfortable, not to mention a jury, would you be doing your clients a disservice?” As someone who makes my livelihood studying how jurors respond to lawyers (and also a shoe fan), the post and more than fifty subsequent comments struck a nerve. The conversation even held my interest. That is until two weeks ago when I walked into a federal courtroom and saw a woman who defied all conventional wisdom.

This was much more radical than a pantyhose or no pantyhose debate…let me paint the picture of what I saw.

The subject of this pondering was a smart as a whip, female attorney whose daily attire was a men’s dress shirt, men’s suit, men’s belt and men’s shoes. She was clearly wearing men’s clothing – this was not a case of a preference for men’s styling. Her clothes were men’s clothes tailored to fit her perfectly. (I know – I am an expert shopper.) She wore very small earrings and a large ring on her left hand that resembled a college class ring. Her hair was slicked back into a ponytail and appeared to wear no makeup. For more than two weeks, this attorney maintained the same unwavering image in front of a jury of housewives, accountants, bookkeepers and teachers.

So let’s open the discussion shall we? Let’s first assume this isn’t about sexual orientation at all – let’s take that completely off the table. The question for me is why someone would deliberately choose to depart from conventional expectations of dress. Expectation theory suggests straying from societal norms would be risky behavior and could damage her credibility with the audience. In trial, the stakes are high – a lawyer’s credibility and persuasiveness are of upmost importance and can be the difference between a victory and a loss.

So, my question to the group – have you seen this before in your workplace? If so, do you agree with the experts that a strategy this far from the “norm” is a burden you probably don’t want to bear?

What does your handshake say about you?

zblog readers: While I am away at trial helping attorneys better communicate to a jury, I thought it was time to get the M in ZMF involved in the blog. My partner, Pat McEvoy is taking my place this week as your resident communication expert. I'll be back next week ...Theresa


We make impressions on the people we meet in the first three seconds. What does that usually cover? Introductions and handshakes. In the first three seconds you have the opportunity to make a good first impression or a bad one.

If someone taught you how to shake hands well, congratulations. Most of us just started doing it unconsciously and continue doing it well or badly. There has been a lot written on the importance of touch, the rituals of meeting, the anthropology of handshakes. Here are the Cliff Notes.

So, what makes a good first three seconds? Here are the eight parts.

1. Look someone in the eye.
2. Say your name.
3. Repeat their name. Act like you are glad to meet them.
4. Put your hand out where they can see it. Eagerly, not a limp noodle.
5. Try to engage as much palm as you can.
6. Grasp firmly, but not tightly. As firm as they are then a click more.
7. Move hand up and down one or two times.
8. Let go. Eye contact again.
   

Here are the two common mistakes:

1. Limp grip. Ever shake hands with someone who gives you two or three limp fingers? Very unsatisfying.


2. Vertical instead of horizontal hands. Men sometimes do this when they shake women’s hands. They hold the hand like they are going to kiss it. The woman should make the first move and put her hand out with the thumb straight up. That sends the message nonverbally, “I am not afraid and I’m coming in for a good handshake.”
   

There are many variations of handshakes and it is fun to watch for them.

• The double handshake: one person puts the other in a hand sandwich. The effect is warm and sincere and the reason is you can get more palm contact that way. Sometimes both people make hand sandwiches—showing even more sincerity.


• Holding the hand after the shake. Usually this feels very intimate or like special meaning is intended.


• Looking down during the handshake: this communicates lack of confidence or you don’t want to meet them.


• Looking around during the handshake: this communicates arrogance. You are too busy and are looking for a more important person to meet.


• Variations on the power lock: one person puts the non-shaking hand on the forearm, upper arm or shoulder. This can feel warm and friendly and it can feel like they are jockeying for power. In general, powerful people touch less powerful people much less than the reverse and it can feel like the power locker is pushing you around. Lyndon Johnson was said to be a master at this.

Still think handshakes are minor details? It could mean the difference between getting the job or not—and may say a lot about your personality.

So, what handshake variations have you observed? Did anyone ever teach you how to shake hands or was it do-it-yourself?

Is Your Reputation for Detail an Illusion?

Detail. What does paying attention to detail communicate? And whose detail do you pay attention to? Should you get to call yourself a detail person if the only detail you pay attention to is your own? Three people with three different reputations. Different detail scenarios - match them up.


Profile A:
30ish female, dresses nicely, jewelry is understated, works full time, is relied on heavily at her office to “keep things in order,” is praised annually for paying attention to the details.

Profile B:
50ish male, accounting background, a detailed self proclaimed “numbers” guy. Perfectionist with a strong routine gene. At the office is described as solid, reliable, “cuts to the heart of the issue.” Sees solutions where others don’t.

Profile C:
70ish, male, big picture kind a guy. Passionate. Uses terms like “slap it together” and is a committed do-it-yourselfer whether he knows how to do it or not.

Who does which?

___ Shows up at brunch with that little cross stitch on the new coat still connected

___ Keeps a “to-do” list and dutifully crosses off items as completed

___ Spends three days in kitchen and never notices a new piece of furniture

___ Is most comfortable in dress clothes

___ Spouse shows up at brunch with that little cross stitch on the new coat still connected

___ Remembers important dates such as birthdays and anniversaries

___ Notices new outfit on spouse immediately

___ Forgets or chooses not to comb the back of their hair even on a workday

___ Closet organized by activity – work/play/lounge

___ Organizes a calendar for both personal and work commitments

___ Balances checkbook every month

Let’s hear it readers – what do you think? Send me your answers either via blog@zmf.com or using the comments link below. Copy and paste the list above and enter in the profile letter to replace the _____. Good Luck!