My Thoughts on Tiger Part 3 – How He Said It

In my last two blogs, we talked about Tiger’s media strategy and the rhetoric he used to convey his apology. As I mentioned yesterday, his written message seemed inconsistent with the nonverbal signals he was giving his audience. So, let’s discuss this further …

Who was the audience anyway? My mother-in-law used to tell us that, if someone asks for your forgiveness, you should say to them verbally and nonverbally, “I accept.” Maybe that should be a guide, only ask forgiveness from those you want to accept your apology. If you don’t want Ralph Whipple from Des Moines, Iowa calling and saying “I accept,” then you might just have the wrong audience.

Which emotion was being controlled and which was being telegraphed? At times, Tiger’s nonverbal behavior seemed scripted and over rehearsed. Other times, his demeanor seemed genuine but bordering on pre-pounce status. Tiger used deliberate head shakes, pauses, wide-eyed gazes, an unmoving lower jaw and eye contact with the audience and camera, but did he use them effectively? His facial expressions (micro-movement) showed a range of emotions including fear, relief, anger, sadness, embarrassment – sounds about right to me.

His eye contact with the in-person audience and camera improved as the statement progressed. His obvious nervousness at the beginning caused sweeping glances across his audience, preventing him from building any connection with individuals. Eye contact is a necessity to build engagement within your audience; without it, your audience loses interest and tunes out your message. About two minutes in, his eye contact improves with longer, pointed glances at specific audience members and the statement “I have let down my fans” made directly to the camera. It would have benefited him to practice and memorize sections of the speech so his eye contact could have been more natural and consistent, instead of looking down to his script every few seconds.

Because he referenced that script so often, Tiger’s use of pauses and silence within the speech could have been more effective. He chose unnecessary spots to add a lengthy pause, which broke up his delivery. Conversely, he sometimes rushed through his delivery and statements that would have benefited from the emphasis of a pause didn’t get the appropriate attention. The formatting on his script could have helped with this. I use section breaks or page breaks to provide cues when a longer pause is warranted. I advise my clients to write “PAUSE” where a deliberate pause should be included. Rehearsing your statement using visual reminders within your script will make the behavior more ingrained when you are presenting on the ‘big stage’. But you must rehearse.

I do want to acknowledge one example of a well-placed pause which stood out for its effectiveness. At about three and a half minutes in, Tiger says ‘For all that I have done … (long pause, look straight at camera, big swallow, deep breath) … I am so sorry.’ This statement, more than any other, suggested that Tiger understood the gravity of his actions and his nonverbal actions worked with the rhetoric to communicate the emotion.

Tiger’s delivery would have benefited from more variation in his voice. The ‘speech’ was largely monotone, causing the words and sentences to run together and sound the same. Two specific sections demonstrate where Tiger’s voice varied more and specific words were emphasized. First when Tiger is denying rumors of domestic violence and commending Elin for her grace during the ordeal, and then when he demands the press leave his children alone by saying, “They staked out my wife and pursued my mom … please leave my wife and kids alone.” In both of these segments, Tiger’s vocal tone changes, causing the viewer to take note. You can hear emotions like care, concern and even defiance in his voice. If the rest of the statement had been as strong vocally as these two sections, the audience would have been more engaged.

We’ve discussed Tiger at length over the past three blogs. I don’t often dwell on a particular topic for multiple posts, but given the media attention and scrutiny Tiger’s statement received, a detailed reaction seemed warranted. While Tiger may be the world’s greatest golfer, presentation skills and messaging don’t translate from the greens to a podium. If you want your message to be believed and considered authentic by your audience, your visual, verbal and nonverbal communication must be strategic and consistent. Failing in any of these areas equals a failed opportunity to deliver your message to your audience.

One other item of note: what was up with mom? From where I sat, she could not look at her son. Aside from a few quick glimpses at him, her eyes were focused on the floor or off to the side of the room. Even when Tiger specifically refers to her “I hurt my mother,” she stares directly at the floor. We investigated whether it was due to cultural differences, but found nothing that would suggest a reason for the lack of eye contact. Consider when you have watched someone speak and you don’t buy in to what they are saying, do you look at them or no? If they are foe, you will look at them, challenge them with your eyes, but if you are emotionally tied to the person and cannot send good energy, then it is best to send none at all. Hmmmm.

My Thoughts on Tiger Part 2 - What He Said

Unless you are enduring 45 days of in-patient therapy, you were undoubtedly exposed to an unlimited number of media stories and commentaries about Tiger’s statement over the weekend. Though the source of Tiger’s fame and fortune is his career as a professional golfer, his story has leapt from the pages of the sports section to the mainstream media. Every news outlet had an expert ready and willing to dissect Tiger’s statement and speculate about deeper meaning (myself included). Who was Tiger really speaking to? What was his goal in making this statement? Do you think it worked? What does it all mean?

Three themes became evident to me as I soaked up the analysis. First, there are those who would have thought the statement abhorrent regardless of what Tiger said or did because they cannot get past his objectionable behavior. This sentiment was largely represented through the “man on the street” interviews, and largely from women. Because they wouldn’t be persuaded by anything, we don’t need to discuss this group any further.

Next there are those who thought Tiger seemed sincere and that his statement was all-in-all a successful first step at rehabilitating his career and his public image. Lastly, a significant portion of the “experts” thought Tiger came off as cold and self-serving. I think both groups are right, and I think the difference in perception stems from Tiger, at times, sending inconsistent signals. What he was saying (verbal communication) often didn’t match what he was doing (nonverbal communication).

We’ll discuss the nonverbal communication tomorrow, but let’s look at the words written on the page Tiger was so carefully reading. The statement is better than average. In fact it is a good round…for an amateur. If only he had sent it in for a little editing, we could have tweaked here and there to make it excellent. For instance, when I got to the part where he brags about how his foundation work has benefited thousands of kids, my red pen would have been furiously at work. We didn’t need the self-serving statistics to get the point, and the placement of it within the speech was awkward. Speaking of awkward, who knew Tiger Woods collaborated with Buddha? Semi-interesting, I guess, but do we really care? And what, pray tell, do performance enhancing drugs have to do with the price of tea in China? All of the above were self-serving (not to mention bizarre) components of his statement that only served to distract the audience from his core apology message.

The people who found him sincere were most likely responding to the language he used. He was very successful at using powerful, emotional language that was appropriate for the situation. Atone, foolish, irresponsible, integrity, decency, character, bitterly, ordeal – each word meant to elicit emotion from the listener by convincing us that the speaker himself is emotionally tied to the statement.

Much has been made of the ten times Tiger used his wife’s name, Elin. While some speculate he was speaking directly TO her, I find it hard to believe that he said anything here that he hasn’t already said to her. After all, they have “started the process of discussing the damage” so I would bet he has started the process of apologizing…in private. It is more likely that his “Elin never hit me that night or any other night” statement was Elin speaking to us through Tiger. He clearly communicated his respect of Elin and her behavior by saying “Elin has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. Elin deserves praise, not blame.” For me, this was one of his stronger pieces of rhetoric in the statement because of its strong, concise language. Using these bold, emotional and relatable words clearly gained him bonus points with a portion of the audience. '

His intention was to apologize and, yes, to take a first step in the process of rehabilitating his image. As far as apologies go, he was successful (remember, I’m still talking about the statement itself, not his delivery of it). He took responsibility for his actions and several times referenced the hard work he had ahead to “atone” for his misdeeds. Without fail, Tiger offered this apology to every person or group that has an interest in him. This seemed sincere.

Sincere, yet cold. So those who thought he was sincere were responding to his verbal communication. Check back tomorrow for my review of his nonverbal communication and where the statement went terribly awry.

My Thoughts on The Tiger Apology Part 1

As a communication expert, the Tiger Woods media statement today provided much to dissect. As a student of human behavior, there is much to discuss. As a human being, there is a great deal to ponder. 

Let’s first ponder the human behavior, then we can get to how well or poor he did communicating his message. 

Time heals all (or at least fades the scar) and in ten years (or much less) Tiger will have his fans, his contracts, his children, some semblance of his family and his community back in order. So how about doing some good in the mean time? Instead of having a nationally televised pity party or pulling the covers over your head back at rehab (which by the way is not one of the “normal rules” that “everyone” else lives by. Everyone else who sleeps with dogs (metaphorically speaking that is- I am sure they were all very nice girls) has to think about what they have done AND go back to work.) how about getting out there in front of all those “kids all around the world who admired” you and discuss the practicalities of your, uh, experience. Instead of saying you will now “become a better person” get out there and warn others against the same fate. 

I once read that to be called a hypocrite was not necessarily a bad thing. An alcoholic espousing the dangers of drinking is possibly more convincing than the warnings of a tea drinker. A reformed ‘mean girl’ might have more credibility with a group of teenagers than the high school counselor. So Tiger, I say to you in a country where most everyone believes that infidelity is the wrong way to go, yet one out every two married couples (or 1/3 or 1/4) has a cheater in it, why not become the poster man for ‘why not to be like me’. Make this your last appearance of public self-flagellation. Stop asking for our help (although using the ‘theory of reciprocity’ is a good communication strategy) and telling people that there is no good end for breaching another’s trust. Thus instead of saving yourself, which is what your statement was clearly meant to do, you might just save somebody else. 

I hope Tiger did good for himself today. And if the purpose of his statement was to do good for others, I hope that happens as well. But as a mere mortal who lives along side Tiger and millions of other imperfect people, here is what I wish he had said. ‘I have made a royal mess. My actions have had a huge and disastrous rippling affect. I have lost the trust of my mom, my wife, my children. My friends are mad at me for having affairs or for getting caught. My fans are disillusioned. My sponsors are holding on to their wallets. Disloyalty breeds disloyalty. I feel like worm slime. My own actions have made me lie, cry, gravel, plead, and that is just the speak able. I am telling you this today because for years I was a role model for what to strive for in life. I now stand before the same family, friends, fans, employees, fellow players and strangers to say, don’t do what I did. Use my actions and the consequences as a warning for what can happen to you and everything you touch if you “run through the boundaries” of your own values.’ 

Tiger should now keep still. Be true to his promise not to talk about details. No Oprah, no Barbara, no SNL to up his image. So, he did the deed (several times) along with millions of other men and women. That makes him a member of a not-so-special club. If he can make his actions result in something good, for society at large, then he will be special again. 

On Monday, I will blog on Tiger's use of specific language in the speech and then later in the week, I will cover Tiger's nonverbal communication.  In the meantime, tell me your thoughts on his media statement. 

The Rules of Apologizing

This week I am turning over the keyboard to my Partner, Beth Foley. As a fellow communication expert, Beth is an authority on perfecting your apology. Given the news of the week, what better time to work on the art of apologizing.

- Until the next time, Theresa

It’s really not that surprising that a “powerful” man found himself in the arms of a prostitute. Or, that the high moral leader of the State got caught with his pants down. Let’s face it, none of us gets to sit in the superior chair forever.

When humans fall from grace, and we all do, we offer an apology to those we have let down or harmed. It’s a universal olive branch. So the fact that Eliot Spitzer held a press conference to apologize is not really surprising either.

Mr. Spitzer offered an ambiguous apology. That’s not surprising either. Highly intelligent, even sincerely sorry, people deliver botched apologies all the time. They start off going in the right direction and then plummet into arrogance. Sometimes they just get off on the wrong foot from the get go. Thing is – if you get the apology wrong, you may actually do more harm than if you had just stayed silent and looked humble. Case in point: Mel Gibson.

Where were his advisors? Why did no one give him feedback to keep the apology on track? Is the accomplished lawyer and politician not a communication pro after all? Apparently not when it comes to apologizing. But then again, who amongst us is good at apologizing? Spitzer was emotional and embarassed - not familiar territory for him.

Believe it or not, academia has dedicated quite a bit of time to the subject of apologizing. So, in the unlikely event you take a tumble from the superior chair here is state-of-the-art advice on how to give an effective apology. Leaving out any of the seven steps below renders an apology ineffective and depending on which step you skip, offensive.

1. It’s not about you, it’s about them.
Applause goes to Mr. Spitzer for not focusing on himself. Except for a brief moment of telling us how he let himself down, he avoided this common trap.

2. Acknowledge what you did wrong.
This most important step of the apology was left out. Mr. Spitzer could not even bring himself to utter the word prostitute, let alone acknowledge his transgressions. Your audience wants to make sure you really "get it."

3. Take responsibility for your actions.
Although Mr. Spitzer did acknowledge that he had violated his own sense of values, he did not take responsibility for his actions, so the apology was not complete.

4. Acknowledge the impact your actions had on others.
Spitzer admitted to “disappointing” those who trusted him, like his family, but he did this in a vague fashion. Time will tell how the vagueness of his acknowledgement plays.

5. Apologize for having caused pain or done damage.
Here again, it seemed clear Mr. Spitzer was embarrassed as he talked about having to repair his relationship with his family, yet he did not offer much to his constituents or fellow crusaders. Other than to position his actions as a “personal” matter, he did not offer much to those other than his family.

6. Do not make excuses.
Mr. Spitzer wisely stayed clear of excuses and “yea, buts…”

7. Repair the damage: offer restitution and state your future intentions.
Apparently, Mr. Spitzer has staged a sequel wherein he will discuss this last rule of apologies. I must admit I’ve not seen a two-part apology and it’s not reported anywhere in the literature that I am aware of. We shall all have to wait in anticipation for the Spitzer Apology Part II.

Spitzer could have learned from Hugh Grant, who found himself in a similar situation. Sincerity and plain speaking go a long way. In an interview with Jay Leno, Grant proclaimed “I could accept some of the things that people have explained, 'stress,' 'pressure,' 'loneliness' - that that was the reason. But that would be false. In the end you have to come clean and say 'I did something dishonorable, shabby and goatish.'" Being a governor is different than being a movie star, but Grant's apology worked. He was the butt of a few jokes and he's been able to get on with his life.

If you’re not quite ready to pony up a full apology there’s always the old school crisis management technique: Deny Deny Deny!

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