Trials, Tribulations and Nonverbals of Jury Duty

By Alan Tuerkheimer

The directional markings to the courthouse were not exactly big and bold, but it was clear where all of the traffic was heading on a recent morning – straight into the Maywood Division of the Cook County State Court. Surrounded by a prison, a law firm that could have doubled as a key manufacturer by night, and some curvy quiet roads off of a gas station, I proceeded to the juror holding pen, also known as the room for prospective jurors.

Watching people, reading the newspaper, and hearing prospective jurors sigh is what got me through the next 2.5 hours. I could actually see them sighing with frustration without hearing a sound – concerned looks on their faces, apprehension in the way their shoulders hunched down, and back-and-forth nervous fidgeting/pacing among others.

We did see a brief video by Lester Holt on the importance of jury service but it didn't resonate with potential jurors who appeared to be mostly asleep. Mock jurors never had it so good. What is this guy’s (Lester Holt) local connection? I don’t recall seeing him with a moustache. Most people seem to know what they are getting into but there is a range of coping. Some are remaining pleasant (hey it is a 17 dollar check), others perturbed to be there, while most just sit and pass the time away reading or playing on their cell phones. After talking to a few (on the way out) I realize that some people have served before, or at least showed up for jury duty. They had more of a “grin and bear it” attitude compared to the newbies…newbies appeared half annoyed, half concerned, and half interested in finding out their fate. Okay change that to thirds. I think and hope deep down some were looking forward to being part of the process, although this sentiment was not palpable throughout the wait. Some were smiling and looked upbeat. Will the man in the next row stop snoring?....it is exasperating to the masses to say the least.

Only one woman who asked the jury clerk 3 questions in 5 minutes and tried to get on her good side conjured up the notion of Stockholm Syndrome for me. This is, in psychology, a term used to describe how hostages express positive adoration toward their captors, even in the face of imminent and uncertain danger. This woman appeared nervous but seemed content by what she must have thought was a lifeline to the jury clerk. Most jurors find jury service positive and rewarding, especially if they do not believe the attorneys were condescending, repetitive or manipulating. I remember thinking I hope if these potential jurors get let go they do not think this is what jury duty is all about. I can just see them going home after waiting for a few hours and telling their spouse, “You would not believe how boring jury service is.”

I waited and waited, and when I was looking forward to at least experiencing a voir dire, one of the bailiffs informed everyone that two of the cases up for trial settled and one opted for a bench trial. I wanted to know more. Prospective jurors scurried out of the assembly room as if being called to come on down on The Price is Right. Time to invert my steps out of the courthouse.

Making the Most of Gestures

This article is a nice comprehensive tour through the basics of gesturing. However, it is nearly impossible to teach a statue to move. Stone is not a pliable material. Unfortunately the ability, more of a need really, to gesture is formed early in life. It is part of your personality. And when we try to coach people into using gestures what you end up with is the likes of Al Gore with his thumb in the air.

If you believe gesturing will advance your career or your personal happiness, do this. Video record yourself telling the camera, or live audience if you prefer, the funniest story you have every told. Also try the saddest, scariest, outrageous and so on. Push rewind and watch what gestures come naturally to you. Work on making your excited personality come through in more mundane situations. It will work. I promise.

Whoa, Phil, know when to tune it down!

I’ve posted examples of bad corporate communication before – (see here, here, here and here). But just when I thought I’d seen it all, I stumbled across this video during my travels on Twitter today. This campaign speech by a candidate running for Stark County, Ohio Treasurer is going viral all over the web – and not in a good way. Phil Davidson is the poster child for Horrific Communication.

Mr. Davidson has a highly educated background, which includes a Master’s Degree in Communication, yet his delivery sounds more like that of a professional wrestler or raging bull entering a rodeo ring than a political candidate. I felt sorry for the people in the first row of his audience. No doubt with Davidson’s uncontrollable zeal they were both scared and spat upon.

There is so much wrong with the presentation that it is not even worthy of diagnosis. Given how awful the speech was, there’s a plethora of rules that were broken, such as his disjointed delivery, his quivery voice, the continued frantic pacing and obvious need for more rehearsal time. But my biggest question is where are his confidants? No doubt they too were frightened from the room.

Mr. Davidson could have saved himself from becoming the laughing stock of the Internet – by seeking honest feedback during his preparation. [And we know he prepared because he jumped back to his notes continuously.] Presentations should always be rehearsed – first, videotape yourself and play it back to make improvements, then as your preparation progresses gather a live audience to rehearse in front of – your family, your colleagues, your neighbors, any breathing person with a pulse. Just don’t trust yourself to deliver the speaker and the audience perspective. Someone should have told Mr. Davidson how far off the mark his delivery was and provided constructive comments on how to improve. This is comparable to those American Idol contestants who show up thinking they are the next pop star, but can’t hold a tune at all. Why didn’t their family members say: “You sound like a screeching bird, please don’t humiliate yourself on national TV.”

The whole speech was just so wrong that I am hoping it is a gag. In which case, our howls of laughter that rose exponentially with every sentence were justified.

Likeability in an essential component for any politician’s electability and Mr. Davidson is only likeable here for his comedic relief. Sadly, Mr. Davidson failed to win his party’s nomination for the treasurer campaign … can’t imagine why.

Not Minding Your Own Business

By Bill Grimes

‘You only have one chance to make a good first impression.’

What a curse! That’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself. What’s your reaction to someone obsessed with making a good first impression? They appear overeager, unnatural, even suspicious. However they come across – too chatty, too quiet, say “I” and “me” too often – is not likely to be the real person anyway.

If you’re overly concerned about making a good first impression, you’re putting the focus on yourself; kind of selfish when you think about it. You don’t want people to walk away from a first encounter with you thinking, “He’s really stuck on himself.”

The advice usually inserted here about how to make a good first impression is, RELAX. Easier said than done that first time you meet a key member of your client’s team, or your future brother-in-law, but it can be done. It takes a little bit of work, perspective and, like most uncommon events, and meeting a total stranger for the first time is uncommon, a little bit of practice.

You can relax somewhat by giving yourself a couple simple tasks. When you’re introduced, shake the person’s hand looking him or her in the eyes long enough to see what color they are. Say their name, ‘Nice to meet you, Barbara,’ or something similar. Besides giving yourself a couple tasks, saying their name helps you remember it and conveys your interest in them. This won’t relieve all the pressure, but a lot of it.

Keep a proper perspective. It’s not about you. It’s about them. Do some homework ahead of time. With Google, Facebook, LinkedIn and company and organization websites you can learn something about the person or people you are going to meet. Find out what they are interested in. Maybe your brother went to the same school or you’re from the same hometown. Don’t force this kind of chit-chat; you don’t want to come off like you were spying. Wait, for the situation will present itself naturally. Show interest. Ask a couple questions, but mainly LISTEN.

And keep this in mind, most worthwhile encounters reoccur. That first time will not be your only chance to make a good impression.

My Thoughts on Tiger Part 3 – How He Said It

In my last two blogs, we talked about Tiger’s media strategy and the rhetoric he used to convey his apology. As I mentioned yesterday, his written message seemed inconsistent with the nonverbal signals he was giving his audience. So, let’s discuss this further …

Who was the audience anyway? My mother-in-law used to tell us that, if someone asks for your forgiveness, you should say to them verbally and nonverbally, “I accept.” Maybe that should be a guide, only ask forgiveness from those you want to accept your apology. If you don’t want Ralph Whipple from Des Moines, Iowa calling and saying “I accept,” then you might just have the wrong audience.

Which emotion was being controlled and which was being telegraphed? At times, Tiger’s nonverbal behavior seemed scripted and over rehearsed. Other times, his demeanor seemed genuine but bordering on pre-pounce status. Tiger used deliberate head shakes, pauses, wide-eyed gazes, an unmoving lower jaw and eye contact with the audience and camera, but did he use them effectively? His facial expressions (micro-movement) showed a range of emotions including fear, relief, anger, sadness, embarrassment – sounds about right to me.

His eye contact with the in-person audience and camera improved as the statement progressed. His obvious nervousness at the beginning caused sweeping glances across his audience, preventing him from building any connection with individuals. Eye contact is a necessity to build engagement within your audience; without it, your audience loses interest and tunes out your message. About two minutes in, his eye contact improves with longer, pointed glances at specific audience members and the statement “I have let down my fans” made directly to the camera. It would have benefited him to practice and memorize sections of the speech so his eye contact could have been more natural and consistent, instead of looking down to his script every few seconds.

Because he referenced that script so often, Tiger’s use of pauses and silence within the speech could have been more effective. He chose unnecessary spots to add a lengthy pause, which broke up his delivery. Conversely, he sometimes rushed through his delivery and statements that would have benefited from the emphasis of a pause didn’t get the appropriate attention. The formatting on his script could have helped with this. I use section breaks or page breaks to provide cues when a longer pause is warranted. I advise my clients to write “PAUSE” where a deliberate pause should be included. Rehearsing your statement using visual reminders within your script will make the behavior more ingrained when you are presenting on the ‘big stage’. But you must rehearse.

I do want to acknowledge one example of a well-placed pause which stood out for its effectiveness. At about three and a half minutes in, Tiger says ‘For all that I have done … (long pause, look straight at camera, big swallow, deep breath) … I am so sorry.’ This statement, more than any other, suggested that Tiger understood the gravity of his actions and his nonverbal actions worked with the rhetoric to communicate the emotion.

Tiger’s delivery would have benefited from more variation in his voice. The ‘speech’ was largely monotone, causing the words and sentences to run together and sound the same. Two specific sections demonstrate where Tiger’s voice varied more and specific words were emphasized. First when Tiger is denying rumors of domestic violence and commending Elin for her grace during the ordeal, and then when he demands the press leave his children alone by saying, “They staked out my wife and pursued my mom … please leave my wife and kids alone.” In both of these segments, Tiger’s vocal tone changes, causing the viewer to take note. You can hear emotions like care, concern and even defiance in his voice. If the rest of the statement had been as strong vocally as these two sections, the audience would have been more engaged.

We’ve discussed Tiger at length over the past three blogs. I don’t often dwell on a particular topic for multiple posts, but given the media attention and scrutiny Tiger’s statement received, a detailed reaction seemed warranted. While Tiger may be the world’s greatest golfer, presentation skills and messaging don’t translate from the greens to a podium. If you want your message to be believed and considered authentic by your audience, your visual, verbal and nonverbal communication must be strategic and consistent. Failing in any of these areas equals a failed opportunity to deliver your message to your audience.

One other item of note: what was up with mom? From where I sat, she could not look at her son. Aside from a few quick glimpses at him, her eyes were focused on the floor or off to the side of the room. Even when Tiger specifically refers to her “I hurt my mother,” she stares directly at the floor. We investigated whether it was due to cultural differences, but found nothing that would suggest a reason for the lack of eye contact. Consider when you have watched someone speak and you don’t buy in to what they are saying, do you look at them or no? If they are foe, you will look at them, challenge them with your eyes, but if you are emotionally tied to the person and cannot send good energy, then it is best to send none at all. Hmmmm.

Elevatiquette

Guest blog by Alan Tuerkheimer

Is there unwritten etiquette that one must adhere to in a public elevator? Elevator rides are unlike anything else in our daily routines. We share very limited space with others for a brief period. Sometimes we know someone on the elevator, other times we know no one. There are so many variables that come into play, but it seems like the norm that if you don’t know anyone, you either look up or down. If you recognize someone maybe a small comment about the weather. Recent observations make me think people interact more on Friday’s than on Monday’s. Friday everyone is happy about the end of the week, Monday suggests misery loves company.

My favorite is when people are talking on an elevator, and another person or persons get on. It typically affects any interaction that was taking place among those already on the elevator. People riding the train tend not to engage in idle chit chat, but why is it okay to make a comment about the weather to a stranger on the elevator? Why is it less likely you will say something to that person when he or she is on an elevator with people they know? Maybe people who constantly ride elevators during work hours or at night in high rises never get away from the comfort of familiar anonymity. Maybe subconsciously we are aware our personal space is being invaded by strangers and for a few seconds we have no place to go.

People say that when you’re not doing anything, like sleeping, you’re still communicating. So we are always communicating, even when you want no one to notice you in the crowded elevator.

My Thoughts on the State of the Union Address

Many blogs have already posted their comments on the State of the Union and I don’t want to rehash what’s already been said. I will leave it to the political pundits to critique the specific details of the President’s plan. However, I want to point out a couple pieces of the speech which I found interesting from a communication and persuasion perspective.

The Greeting
One thing I noticed right at the beginning is when President Obama greeted everyone. He said “welcome” to everybody, but did not look into the camera when he said “welcome to my fellow Americans.” The audience is left with a disconnect between his verbal and nonverbal communication. The lack of eye contact results in the audience at home not being as engaged in the message and with his approval numbers at record low, this address is as much about winning over the American public as it is about reporting to Congress.


Because I Said So
"Democracy in a nation of three hundred million people can be noisy and messy and complicated. And when you try to do big things and make big changes, it stirs passions and controversy. That's just how it is."

This is a fabulous quote, or at least it starts out that way. He provides us with a visual image we may not have come to in our own heads, one that makes us more accepting of the idea that change takes time. However, his version of 'because I said so' not only gave us some insight into his parenting strategies but was a killjoy to the positive moment he had just created for himself. He might have instead ended by using the social proof technique to influence his audience. An example of how long it took to legislate some desirable American law would have reminded the American public that he is working towards the same kind of good and it has taken a long time for others as well.


A Suggestion for the Future
And finally, let's make a trade. Let’s eliminate the opposition’s rebuttal statement, which is a ridiculously divisive two party tactic that serves no productive purpose whatsoever. In turn, the party in power will give up clapping and standing during the speech which is at best distracting and at worst a cheap attempt at telling the public what the good parts are.

Lie To Me

I'm back .. thanks for being patient while I was away ... interested to hear what you have to say about this topic. Theresa

Yesterday, my son lied to me, my business partner lied to me, my manfriend lied to me and a client lied to me (those are the ones I know for sure.) I am hoping that this was an unusual day. But the more I learn about our capacity to lie, the more I believe this happens to each of us every day, more than we would like to know. Research suggests that people lie approximately three times within 10 minutes of meeting someone new. In fact, one article I read last year suggested “we probably engage in 1,000 lies and deceptions in a day” (if you include non-verbal deceptions).

None of the lies I was told were malicious. Of the four untruths, two were told to self-protect, one to protect my feelings. The motivation for the remaining fib is still a mystery that will probably unfold at a later date. I was always good at recognizing when I was not getting the whole truth. But now I am obsessed with determining truth or lie. My mind is filled with “why does he want to know, what did she mean by that, what is the real reason he called, what is her real opinion” and on and on and on.

So, I don’t want therapy…write back and tell me what is your personal favorite tool for telling if someone is lying to you. Is it eye dilation, fidgeting, sweating, ums and ahs? Or do you have something unique to share? And don’t lie to me…..I will know.

Tattoo This

Hello Readers - ZMFer Alan Tuerkheimer is filling in with a guest blog for me since I have spent more time on airplanes than on laptops recently. Talk soon! Warmly, Theresa

Who here thinks about the 1981 Rolling Stones album “Tattoo You” upon hearing the word “Tattoo” 28 years later? Probably not many. Probably not even the members of the Rolling Stones who released that album nearly three decades ago. Back in the ‘80s, my association with “Tattoo” was that album. Since then, society has undergone a rapid transformation from a time when tattoos were the exclusive body design of felons, Hell’s Angels, and seriously rebellious teens. Nowadays, you don’t even have to look carefully to see how mainstream tattoos have become and how many people you would never expect to have them, have them. Men in Armani suits, middle-age women, professionals, salespeople, appellate lawyers, real young, real old, real educated, real uneducated, the list goes on and on and on.

A study in The Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology showed that about 24% of Americans between the ages of 18 and 50 have at least one tattoo, and that 36% of those between 18 and 29 have a tattoo.

So what exactly does having a tattoo mean? Is it purely symbolic? Why do people decide to permanently burn a display onto their skin? And of those, how many regret doing it later in life (or 20 minutes later)? Is there significance to where on someone’s body it is? Surely where and what it is means something. Answers to these questions get at the overarching question of what do tattoos communicate? Since communication is a two-way street, we have to look at what the person with the tattoo wants to convey, or more accurately what he or she is conveying, and what the person looking at it interprets the tattoo to mean.

My psychologist friend thinks that those with tattoos covering their entire body have a fear of forming and sustaining attachments to others. Many people will shun someone full of tattoos, so tattoos all over someone’s face and body typically serve as a barrier to anything deeper than superficial personal interaction. However, those who can look past the shell of tattoos are less likely to turn away from that person once they penetrate through the wall of tattoos.

One quick note, I personally agree with NY Times columnist David Brooks who feels that, while there are exceptions, most people who have tattoos thought they were unique and doing something only few others were doing. However, now, they are realizing all they have done is something incredibly mainstream, non-rebellious and non-individualistic. Since many people initially got tattoos thinking they would be making a statement and were being rebellious, it is ironic that now only the truest of non-conformists seem not to have tattoos.

So I decided to give it a shot and ask people their thoughts. Here are some of the consistent thematic responses my question generated. Remember, I just asked what people think of tattoos and what they think of people who have them.

• Tattoos are fine if they are tactful.
• People are trying to satisfy some internal desire to take a walk on the wild side/be naughty while being able to keep it hidden when desired.
• If you get one, I hear you want another.
• If you get one, people regret getting them.
• They make people feel special, unique, powerful.
• It is a 'tramp stamp' for women and for men they want to impress people (i.e., with the “look at my biceps burst through barbed wire” tattoo).
• It is a statement. Not sure what. Depends on tattoo.

Interestingly, people often go into personal stories about their own tattoos, as if an excuse or story is necessary to justify the ink. For example, someone who knows someone who got a tattoo and then a month later broke up with the person who inspired them to get it in the first place. Drunken stories about people getting tattoos and then having mixed reactions the very next day abound. Many of the people asked also took on a defensive posture when answering the question, as if the question itself seems to search for criticism of people who have tattoos. The point is that similar to many topics, there is an array of opinions about and experience with tattoos that makes it difficult to generalize what is communicated by having one. Other than the situation and venue (i.e., bar versus job interview) what will help determine what a tattoo communicates is a) what the tattoo is, b) the relationship of the people communicating, c) any incongruity with the tattoo and the person, and d) the range of attitudes people hold about tattoos in general.

Alan Tuerkheimer, M.A., J.D. utilizes his background in psychology and law as a litigation consultant for ZMF. His experience conducting jury research has given him an in-depth understanding of people’s attitudes, biases and decision-making processes. He is highly sought-after due to his ability to deliver solutions that bridge the communication gap between trial team and jury. Alan earned his J.D. from the University of Wisconsin Law School and completed his graduate and undergraduate work in Psychology from Connecticut College and University of Wisconsin, respectively.

What’s in a Face?

Another guest post this week from fellow ZMFer Eliza Shepherd ...

In a previous post, Theresa discussed the growing inquiry about the hit television show on Fox called “Lie to Me.” What makes the show so intriguing is that it is based off the work of Dr. Paul Ekman, a world-renown face reading expert and “human lie detector.” Through his research, Dr. Ekman found that “micro-expressions” (brief facial expressions) can reveal true emotions a person may be trying to conceal, such as deceit. Dr. Ekman’s work illustrates just how powerful and integral nonverbal cues are in communicating effectively. Consider the following:

1. The most successful communicators are masters of emotional intelligence.
   
2. Processing of nonverbal facial cues occurs without our conscious awareness, and when the cues are brought to our attention, we cannot ignore them.
   
3. A mere 100 millisecond exposure to a face is sufficient enough to form specific trait judgments about an individual.
   
4. This rapid and unconscious processing of morphological cues makes physiognomy a potent component in first impressions.
   
5. Facial appearances of competence predict candidate electability. Todorov, Mandisodza, Goren, and Hall (2005) found that inferences of competence based from facial appearance accurately predicted the outcomes in U.S. Congressional election 68.8% of the time.
   
6. Remember, estimates suggest that 80% of communication is nonverbal. Nonverbal cues, whether they are facial expressions, posture, tone, or eye contact etc., are more important than the words you use.

Take this test to discover how good you are at reading facial expressions.

Eliza Shepherd combines her background in Psychology with practical research experience in impression management, group decision making, nonverbal communication and leadership in her role as Associate Consultant. Shepherd lends her expertise in research design and analysis to ZMF’s jury research projects nationwide, including focus groups, mock trials, post-trial interviews, zOpinions (online surveys), and venue attitudes surveys.

Article on Gender Roles in Business

Once again, I am honored to be quoted in new article on MSN about gender roles in business.

Click here to read:

http://bit.ly/iRMLF

However, I take issue with a fellow contributor's quote. Mr. Flett's advice not to flirt may or may not be sound advice. I am, however, anxious to pick up his book to determine whether he gives men the same advice. In nearly 30 years as a professional businesswoman, the only businessman I've seen who doesn't flirt is a dead one. I'll be investigating this further and will follow-up with you; I also may decide to take the dialogue to Twitter.
_________________

FOLLOW-UP:
So, I decided to take my concern about Mr. Flett's advice to Twitter. Here's our exchange:

From me (@tzagnoli) to @ghostceo:
"Fellow contributor on MSN's gender story, but I take issue w/ your quote. Couldn't find comment area, so thought I'd tweet u. .... Your advice not to flirt may or may not be sound advice. I haven't read your book (yet!), but do you give men the same advice?"

From @ghostceo to me:
"I do. The double edged sword is...men can do it and be laughed off as dorks; women are considered slutty. Unfair? Yes."

From me to @ghostceo:
"So let's don't perpetuate the divide. Let's give the girls/women some rules. Slutty clothes - no. Flowing hair - no. Come hither nonverbals - no. A smile, a well placed wink, compliment, pout - maybe. I am sure you could do much better than this short list. It is easier to teach someone how to do something then to tell them to stop, knowing the advice will get ignored way too often. Yes?"

Still waiting on his response, but what say you? Do you think flirting is acceptable in for men and women ... if so, by who and when?

Are you paying Attention? Why not?

Many inquiries have come lately about this past season’s television hits, Lie To Me [Season 2 Premiers on Fox, September 29, 9:00 PM ET] and The Mentalist [Season 2 Premiers on CBS, September 24, 10:00 PM ET]. What both have in common is that someone is paying attention. Not the kind you fake in a weekly staff meeting; occasionally nodding, smiling and asking a follow-up question. This is scoping the room, the players and everything in between for clues. What are you seeking clues for? You might not know until you see them. On The Mentalist, Patrick Jane (played by Simon Baker), who was a psychic before his current job as an independent consultant to the California Bureau of Investigations, is little more than a great watcher. He solves the crime by noticing things others do not notice. Lie To Me is based on the well-researched findings of Paul Ekman. The main character, psychologist Dr. Cal Lightman (played by Tim Roth), serves as a human lie detector as he watches micro-facial expressions to detect incongruencies in a person’s story.

Neither of these talents is so unique that you could not be practicing them at home, at the office or in the bar. You may not reach expert status right away, but you can easily train yourself to have more information about a person or situation than you do now. Use these behaviors to weed out job candidates, avoid bad dates, know if your children are going where they claim. Or not. It is up to you if you want to be more clued-in to the goings on around you. Pick up Paul Ekman’s book Emotions Revealed to learn seven simple facial expressions that you think you already know how to detect. With only one percent of the population able to pass his ‘test’ on the first go around, you will be surprised. Web search “notice my surroundings” and you will find a land of plenty on being in the moment, paying attention to what is around you and other similar such titles.

Today, make a commitment to notice ten things you failed to see before in your daily routine. Write them down and draw a conclusion from each clue. It is fun, it is brainwork and it will open up new opportunities to learn, give assistance and be the life of the dinner table when you get home.

Body Language in the Press

Normally, when a ZMFer is quoted in the news, its published in the section reserved for "In the News". Today, we are breaking that rule for an article I was quoted in called "Body Language Decoded"- right on target for a blog about communication. Published on Forbes.com, the article does a great job of explaining how important nonverbal behaviors are in conveying your message to your audience. I love the specific examples and practical suggestions for improvement.

Nonverbal Intelligence

There is liking what you do and then there is having the nonverbal intelligence to show it.Michelle Obama's popularity is on the rise. How is that happening? One trait is her ability to demonstrate that she is enjoying the different life roles she has committed to. Her big smile, open posture, easy movement, eye contact, and touch all send messages to the world that say, I like being First Lady, being a mom is cool, life is good as Barack's wife. My guess is that she presets herself very much the same way as a lawyer, hostess and carpool organizer. To appear unburdened by life is an attractive trait. It is an especially useful nonverbal strategy if much of your contact with people is them observing you. Consider your day. How many people at work do you interact with verbally compared to those who you just walk by or those who see you sitting at your desk. What conclusion do others draw from your nonverbal behavior?

Say Cheese! The Science of Smiling

When is the last time you used orbitofrontal cortex in a sentence? I thought so.

We love smiling babies. The first smile gets a note in the baby book as a sign of development. We like to make our kids smile which has prompted millions of moms to chant “turn that frown upside down.” We have been told to smile while on the phone to sound friendlier. Strangers have been known to approach a frowner telling them to smile as if that will pay off their past due light bill. And now science is telling us that they have discovered that the reason we are so enamored by the smile is physical and not just social conditioning. More evidence that this smiling craze is not going away.

Not that I wasn’t convinced before seeing the words orbitofrontal cortex in print, but I am once again reminded to smile. So, let’s help each other become more memorable. I am a frowner. Not because I like to frown but because I have what my dad called the “Prouse pout.” (That would be my mother’s maiden name. There were no negative traits from his side of course.) So anything less than pure joy or a forced tightening of my cheeks leaves me looking like I would rather bite you than talk to you.

How do you remember to smile? What tricks do you have that you can share? Can you fake smile and be convincing? When do you find it the most difficult to smile?

The Proper Handshake Lesson

Why oh why does anyone over the age of five still need to be told how to shake a hand? In our house, the proper handshake lesson comes before the one about sneezing into your arm to avoid spreading germs. Although sneezing that way can make for a messy sleeve, it then becomes more of an issue than a few germs on your hand. Anyway, back to the handshake issue. How hard is it to get this right? Extend your hand, firmly grasp the hand extended to you, pause for a moment, pump, throw in a smile and some eye contact and the deal is done.

So what is it that continues to elude otherwise average people from presenting a less than average greeting. I have it boiled down to three things. First and most debilitating is a lack of confidence, second you just don’t care, and third you are already on your way to somewhere else (literally or metaphorically) before hand-to-hand contact is made. Lest you or someone you know falls into one of these three categories, look for any of these signs and try to pull yourself or them out of a bad habit. You might as well get something from your handshake. Why take on all those germs for nothing? Save those for sneezing into your sleeve.

• Standing too far away. If you are a little off balance or feeling a stretch in your right glut, then move in a little. I am not suggesting you trade Tic Tacs – just get inside the bubble. If your arm is fully or even mostly extended, you are too far away. You might as well wave.

• Physically moving away while still grasping hands. Come on, you know you have had this happen to you. Or have you been the one? Usually the head goes first, then the body attached to the arm, which is attached to the hand follows. No matter how it happens the person on the receiving end is left feeling unimportant and even insulted as in ‘why bother’.
  
  
• Eye contact so fleeting that it might just be a twitch. If you are a sixteen-year-old boy, this might be understood. But not before or after that age.
  
  
• The wimpy boy, girl, man or woman. There is nothing left to be said on this subject. Just do it.
  
  
• The vice grip. See lesson above.
  
  

Now back to my original observation that bad handshakes are still all over the place. Do yourself a favor. Get up from your computer right now. Go shake someone’s hand and ask them to rate you on a 1–5, with 5 being the best. Then walk around and tell other people you are rating them on the same 1–5 scale. Let’s start a movement to fix the handshakes of the world. Okay, so not the world but maybe just your block.

Food Communicates Love

Or at least it does in an Italian family. If you aspire to anorexia, stop here, read no further; this bit of insight won’t help you. But, if you are willing to put on a few pounds yourself, feed your clients or your friends, then join me in discussing the standard communiqué of “what do you want to eat?”

The question about food in my home, my parents’ home, my grandparents’ home and likely their parents’ home is never “are you hungry” or “would you like something to eat.” It is simply “what do you want” or if you were unfamiliar with the offerings of the day, the food might just appear in front of you. Presenting people in your home with offerings of food and drink make a variety of statements.

• Don’t leave. It says stay awhile. Even if you do not accept the offering, the message is clear to you that you are welcome.

• We enjoy company. Unless you have a butler, the flurry that accompanies providing delicacies from the kitchen generates conversation, smiles and stories. It says “come on in, we are happy you are here.”

• You are special. This is true even if you know that everyone gets the same treatment.
  
  
• 'Be comfortable. Picking or sipping gives a guest something to do while everyone settles in.

There really is nothing worse than sitting or standing in someone’s home for any longer than 20 minutes without the gift of love being put forth. Even in my office, our talented and generous Diane, serves up homemade banana bread, bowls of buttery popcorn and sodas all around…whether anyone asks for them or not. Because, it is not about whether your guest wants or needs bread and water, it is about you sending a message.

So dish it up. All in the name of communication excellence. And of course love.

Words To Live By: Suffer For Beauty

Let's get started analyzing how my parents 'words to live by' relate to excellent communication to be used in the office, on a sales call or at home.

‘SUFFER FOR BEAUTY’

At first blush this may seem like a comment to make Ms. Steinem scowl. But before you link arms to plan a protest in front of my office believe me when I tell you this in NOT advice to wear four inch Manolo Blahniks, to sleep with soup cans on your head, or sign up to have your face surgically rearranged. Guys, this goes for you too. (Even though I am guessing only a couple of you know anything about the relationship of soup cans to hair.)

Speaking of heels, did you see that high heel shoes for baby girls are on the market? Come on people. What’s next, garter belt and fishnets. Stop it!!! What message is a heeled baby supposed to send? I cannot even answer that!

Ok, back to mom. The ‘suffer for beauty’ advice began as my mother’s way of silencing my yelps as she was combing a waist long ponytail. Not sure if she made this up but maybe she will comment and tell us how she came to this. (Mom?) Her point was not that long hair was more or less beautiful than other hair. It was, and is to this day, whatever you choose your personal persona to be, it should be represented at its best, and that may take a little suffering. You want long hair, it has to be combed. You want short hair, your pain is different but the commitment is the same.

In my mother’s eyes, paying attention to how you look sends the message to those around you that you respected them. Getting spiffed up at our house communicates that we care about each other. Making sure we were properly attired and groomed when going to work or a party or the gym sends the message "I respect YOU."

Recently I went to a birthday party and knew not a single person except he who brought me. This put me in a unique position to contemplate who had “suffered for beauty” and who had not. It doesn't take much effort to see those who respect their perspective over the hosts.

How to know if you are not suffering quite enough for beauty:

• Your family teases you about not owning a sport coat/suit to bury you in.
  
• You look around the room and you and the toddlers are the only ones wearing athletic shoes.
  
• The waiter is dressed better than you.
  
• You haven’t seen the back of your head all year.
  
• Your favorite tools for nail care are your teeth.
  
• No one ever asks your advice on what to wear.
  
• You think not washing your hair is somehow good for your scalp.
  
• You are trying to start a new trend and NOBODY is following you.
  
• You don’t believe that how you look reflects what message you are sending.

You can’t always wear the most comfortable shoes or the baggiest pants or a baseball cap. When your host, for example, has gone to great lengths to make himself and his office or home festive, to ignore the effort (or suffering) is to show disrespect or at the very least a lack of appreciation. When I comb my ponytail, I want you to comb yours too damn it!!

Spiff up. It says “I respect you.” An EXCELLENT communication for anyone, anytime. MOM, did I get it correct?

What does your handshake say about you?

zblog readers: While I am away at trial helping attorneys better communicate to a jury, I thought it was time to get the M in ZMF involved in the blog. My partner, Pat McEvoy is taking my place this week as your resident communication expert. I'll be back next week ...Theresa


We make impressions on the people we meet in the first three seconds. What does that usually cover? Introductions and handshakes. In the first three seconds you have the opportunity to make a good first impression or a bad one.

If someone taught you how to shake hands well, congratulations. Most of us just started doing it unconsciously and continue doing it well or badly. There has been a lot written on the importance of touch, the rituals of meeting, the anthropology of handshakes. Here are the Cliff Notes.

So, what makes a good first three seconds? Here are the eight parts.

1. Look someone in the eye.
2. Say your name.
3. Repeat their name. Act like you are glad to meet them.
4. Put your hand out where they can see it. Eagerly, not a limp noodle.
5. Try to engage as much palm as you can.
6. Grasp firmly, but not tightly. As firm as they are then a click more.
7. Move hand up and down one or two times.
8. Let go. Eye contact again.
   

Here are the two common mistakes:

1. Limp grip. Ever shake hands with someone who gives you two or three limp fingers? Very unsatisfying.


2. Vertical instead of horizontal hands. Men sometimes do this when they shake women’s hands. They hold the hand like they are going to kiss it. The woman should make the first move and put her hand out with the thumb straight up. That sends the message nonverbally, “I am not afraid and I’m coming in for a good handshake.”
   

There are many variations of handshakes and it is fun to watch for them.

• The double handshake: one person puts the other in a hand sandwich. The effect is warm and sincere and the reason is you can get more palm contact that way. Sometimes both people make hand sandwiches—showing even more sincerity.


• Holding the hand after the shake. Usually this feels very intimate or like special meaning is intended.


• Looking down during the handshake: this communicates lack of confidence or you don’t want to meet them.


• Looking around during the handshake: this communicates arrogance. You are too busy and are looking for a more important person to meet.


• Variations on the power lock: one person puts the non-shaking hand on the forearm, upper arm or shoulder. This can feel warm and friendly and it can feel like they are jockeying for power. In general, powerful people touch less powerful people much less than the reverse and it can feel like the power locker is pushing you around. Lyndon Johnson was said to be a master at this.

Still think handshakes are minor details? It could mean the difference between getting the job or not—and may say a lot about your personality.

So, what handshake variations have you observed? Did anyone ever teach you how to shake hands or was it do-it-yourself?

Faking It

New research on lying indicates that our faces are made up of the “least obedient” muscles in our body. I think I could debate that statement on its face but we will leave that for a later essay. Micro-expressions give the truth away. Because the face is such a complex muscular structure, it is impossible to control all that is going on when a lie is being told. Apparently happiness is the easiest emotion to fake while disgust and fear are more of a challenge. This tells me that the face is in fact trainable. Maybe not completely but we all spend a great deal more time faking happy than we do walking around with fake expressions of fear or disgust on our faces. Unless, of course, you have a toddler – they particularly like the ‘disgust’ face.

What emotion do you have the most trouble faking? What emotion do you have the least trouble faking?