Not Minding Your Own Business

By Bill Grimes

‘You only have one chance to make a good first impression.’

What a curse! That’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself. What’s your reaction to someone obsessed with making a good first impression? They appear overeager, unnatural, even suspicious. However they come across – too chatty, too quiet, say “I” and “me” too often – is not likely to be the real person anyway.

If you’re overly concerned about making a good first impression, you’re putting the focus on yourself; kind of selfish when you think about it. You don’t want people to walk away from a first encounter with you thinking, “He’s really stuck on himself.”

The advice usually inserted here about how to make a good first impression is, RELAX. Easier said than done that first time you meet a key member of your client’s team, or your future brother-in-law, but it can be done. It takes a little bit of work, perspective and, like most uncommon events, and meeting a total stranger for the first time is uncommon, a little bit of practice.

You can relax somewhat by giving yourself a couple simple tasks. When you’re introduced, shake the person’s hand looking him or her in the eyes long enough to see what color they are. Say their name, ‘Nice to meet you, Barbara,’ or something similar. Besides giving yourself a couple tasks, saying their name helps you remember it and conveys your interest in them. This won’t relieve all the pressure, but a lot of it.

Keep a proper perspective. It’s not about you. It’s about them. Do some homework ahead of time. With Google, Facebook, LinkedIn and company and organization websites you can learn something about the person or people you are going to meet. Find out what they are interested in. Maybe your brother went to the same school or you’re from the same hometown. Don’t force this kind of chit-chat; you don’t want to come off like you were spying. Wait, for the situation will present itself naturally. Show interest. Ask a couple questions, but mainly LISTEN.

And keep this in mind, most worthwhile encounters reoccur. That first time will not be your only chance to make a good impression.

How to Knock Someone's Socks Off!

Combine energy with a smile and you get a magic personality. I had the benefit of working with a woman last week who knocked my socks off. Not because she was smart. Maybe she was, maybe she’s not. I have no idea if we share common interests. Don’t really know much about her at all. In four days, I only spoke to her a handful of times. What I did get to do is watch her. Nonverbally, (let’s call her L) L twinkled. Yes, I said twinkled. She had so much positive energy that men and women were naturally drawn to her. Kind of like a bug to one of those bug lights. Okay, so not like that. This quality is difficult to describe. On the face, it looks like a person who is meeting an old friend, or is opening birthday presents, or watching a toddler on a pony ride. There is generosity, warmth, surprise and curiosity. And movement, lots of movement. The body moves, hands move, legs, posture, feet ever shifting; not frenetically, but with interest and excitement. Hand gestures, lots of touching, and comfortable within her body.

So maybe this is not your style. But to make yourself just a little more likeable, show your energy in your own way. If you have a good voice, keep your hands away from your face, look people in the eye and speak to show your energy. If all you can muster is a smile, make it big and constant. Lean forward, use gestures, stand up, hug, wink, walk. Think Barney the big purple dinosaur. There is a reason he smiles, dances and waves his arms around. Energy is a magnet at any age. It was nice to meet you L.

The Likeability Factor

It’s a well-known effect and it happens everywhere, regularly. You surround yourself with those you like. Coming off the biggest election in history, political pundits everywhere were talking about the “likeability factor.” In fact, you may have heard in the New Hampshire primary debate, when Senator Clinton was asked, “What can you say to the voters of New Hampshire who…are hesitating on the likeability issue?” Rather than furthering a discussion on health care, the economy or the war in Iraq, the moderator chose to ask a question about likeability. Why?

According to Gallup’s “Personality Factor Poll,” it turns out that, in politics, the single best determination of electability is likeability (and height – but that is for another post entirely). Not knowledge, not experience, not the candidate’s position on a specific issue – likeability. The likeability factor is a topic that could and should be paralleled to the everyday world. If you are willing to elect the leader of a country based on whether you like them (or not), shouldn’t working for, with and around people you like, be equally as important. Many CEOs and senior management should be grateful they are not elected by their constituents as many would likely end up with Kerry or McCain, at the bottom on the likeability heap.

When a new client recently hired us to help them improve their communication style in the real estate world, the conversation quickly turned to likeability. In their words ‘our business is about being likeable. You get business because decision makers choose to work with those they like and people refer business to those they like.’

In simple terms, if you visit a restaurant and eat food you don’t like, do you return again? Likely – no. You’ll just eat dinner at the restaurant down the street and look for a better dining experience. Not surprisingly, research reveals that people respond positively to those they like. Some studies suggest that in more than 80% of buying situations, an individual’s likeability was responsible for the decision-maker’s determination of who earns their business.

Those who are likeable regularly smile, laugh, show authentic concern for others and utilize eye contact to help convey their message and research says they are rewarded for their efforts. Likeable people are more successful, get elected, promoted or rewarded more often, make more money and get better service from all service providers.

I want to hear from you. What is your most important factor when selecting your hairdresser, your doctor or your babysitter – the person’s likeability or their knowledge? Would you ever go to a hairdresser/barber or doctor if you didn’t like them? Have you ever hired someone you didn’t like? If so, what drove you to work with them rather than hiring someone equally qualified?


Kristin Fitzgerald has been a part of the communication consulting team at ZMF since 1999. In her ten years with ZMF, Kristin has worked in both the research and multimedia departments to provide persuasive techniques to improve communication. Kristin has worked closely with clients on the development of intranets, newsletters design and to provide flexible communication solutions oriented to their audience.

The Great Divide?

As I told you before, I’ve been trying to get out in the blogging world more. I happened upon a great blog about blogging by Barbara Swafford that showcases a blog each week (fantastic idea). She recently featured two blogs that I happen to really enjoy…the Urban Panther and the Urban Lion. The witty banter and dialogue between this couple started me thinking about a topic communication experts commonly focus on…the differences in communication between genders.

ZMF consultants commonly speak about disparities between the genders in our speeches and presentations. As the founder in a woman owned business who works in a male dominated industry, I am intimately familiar with those differences. People commonly ask me if I change my language or communication style when working with my clients. The answer – most definitely. I certainly don’t communicate the same way to every individual or audience. As I’ve written before, it is vital to charm your audience if you want them to listen to you. Engaging your audience means speaking to them in relatable terms. For example, if your audience is a male group of CEOs, don’t use an example about your experiences with the local PTA. Or if you are speaking at a local mom’s workshop, don’t pepper your lecture with cursing when research shows almost three-quarters of women would be offended.

Traditional gender roles suggest women are more submissive, dependent and subjective while men tend toward more aggressive, independent and objective. However, specific communication nuances exist about how each gender communicates, what they talk about and what their goals for communication are. A few examples:

1. Men tend to communicate to give information while women tend to communicate to get information.
   
   
2. Women tend to use more emotional language while men rely on factual oriented language in conversation.
   
   
3. Men are more apt to talk about things, sports, business or money to share facts, not necessarily details. Women are more apt to talk about people while sharing feelings and details. Ladies – ask your husband how his day was and you will likely get a recitation of the facts…meetings, lunch, an important conference call – it’s a 5-minute conversation. Then, give your girlfriend a call and ask the same thing. Your girlfriend will give you a more detailed description with details about who, what, when, where and probably even what she wore.

Just look at the differences between one Panther post and the Lion’s response. The Panther’s post is longer, more detailed and she requests other women’s input on the topic to further the dialogue. Conversely, the Lion’s response is more factual – here is an explanation for why we work that way – there you go. Every post doesn’t always follow this pattern and obviously, there is no right or wrong way to do things, but the differences are there.

You all know there are countless differences between the genders in hormones, thought processing and emotions. A recent blog by Guy Kawaski pointed out a fantastic article that discusses “How Women Work”. There are a ton of interesting facts in the article and interesting fodder for future presentations; however, it doesn’t discuss the differences in communication styles…guess they are leaving it up to me for that discussion.

So, let’s hear from you readers – what differences do you notice in your conversations with men and women? Do you believe the gender stereotypes are still prevalent or are they outdated? Do you cater to your audience’s preferences – for communication is important – or do you use a one size fits all approach?

I Can Charm - Can You?

Cicero wrote that every communication, no matter the purpose, has to have three components. It must Charm, Teach and Move. These ingredients to successful communication should be delivered in order, and every step is required.

First we must charm to get the attention of the listener. Only then will we be able to teach. And then, once the listener has new information, we will be able to move or persuade. According to Cicero all communication is meant to, in some manner, stir the listener into action. In essence, what Cicero advocates is that when you speak or put your pen to paper, you ought to have a purpose for the communication. I doubt he was big into potty training reports or recaps of century old baseball scores.

Let’s examine these communication steps one at time, starting as Cicero would have wanted us to, with CHARM. Charm can materialize in a variety of ways. Think traditional synonyms such as captivate, win over, fascinate. But consider also that charm is the act of gaining credibility or holding your listeners’ interest. A communicator can gain credibility from a remarkable introduction, a killer résumé, a naturally disarming personality, a shocking opening line or simply good humor. Maybe the audience is captivated because there exists a history or extraordinary reputation with the person doing the speaking or writing. Sometimes just seeing a person’s name in print elicits a memory of a positive experience with their work creating a sense of anticipation that fulfills the charm requirement.

As a communicator at home or the office, think of how you will charm, captivate or hold your audience’s attention. What tools or skills do you have to hold the attention of your teenager, spouse or boss? Remember not to charge right into your request or complaint without step one.

Interestingly, some of you never get to this point and others of you never get past it. You may not believe you need to be charming (or gain credibility) when you are in the role of boss, or buying groceries or coaching Little League or purchasing a dress. If so, write down the three best communicators who you know personally. And then assess each person’s method of charm. If you send these to me, we will analyze their techniques in future blogs.

Here are a few I can think of:

• Doctor—looks you right in the eye, touches your hand or arm gently, smiles as if he is really glad that you picked him as your doctor, takes a few extra minutes to warm up before he brings out the plastic models of your body parts.


• Lawyer—is demanding, confident, cocky but uses humor to make each person he comes in contact feel that he is approachable.


• Political Advisor—twinkles when she meets you, forces her energy out of her body and into yours before she even says your name.


• Old Friends—when you knock at their door, they greet you as if they had not seen you for months when it had been only a day or two. Loud “How are you?” and comments like “What a great surprise.”


• My Dad—makes the stranger or new person to the inner circle feel like you are one of the crowd by offering you a chair, food, drink, a story, giving you his full attention no matter who else is in the room.

• A Professor at UofC—when I come to her class to guest lecture every semester she does such an introduction that I am both proud and embarrassed. She accomplishes two things at once, she charms me into guaranteeing that I will do a good job for her and that I will come back next time and she creates credibility for me with the students so I can move to the teaching phase of communication more quickly.

So you are saying to yourself “that all sounds interesting, but nothing new.” I will buy that. Cicero’s writings are really old - around 50 B.C. to be exact. So, why do I still know so many who don’t feel obliged to CHARM? In part is it a lack of self-confidence. Insecure people are more likely to skip this step. Emotionally they are not strong enough to take a chance, which is what this step often requires. Some lack skills or ideas, others do not recognize that they are not bothering to engage their listener. And then, of course, there is the person we all know who feels that by the nature of who they are—the dad, the coach, the CEO, the owner, the client—that winning people over is not necessary to successful communication. They are simply incorrect and sooner or later they will either become frustrated because they think no one does what they want, listens to them or typically this person sooner or later believes they are surrounded by incompetence, disrespect or disinterest. Remember, the burden for successful communication weighs more heavily on the sender of the message than the receiver.

Next time we will talk about teach. That is unless something MOVES me to talk about something else.

See ya next week. And thanks for reading Zblog.

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