The Proper Handshake Lesson

Why oh why does anyone over the age of five still need to be told how to shake a hand? In our house, the proper handshake lesson comes before the one about sneezing into your arm to avoid spreading germs. Although sneezing that way can make for a messy sleeve, it then becomes more of an issue than a few germs on your hand. Anyway, back to the handshake issue. How hard is it to get this right? Extend your hand, firmly grasp the hand extended to you, pause for a moment, pump, throw in a smile and some eye contact and the deal is done.

So what is it that continues to elude otherwise average people from presenting a less than average greeting. I have it boiled down to three things. First and most debilitating is a lack of confidence, second you just don’t care, and third you are already on your way to somewhere else (literally or metaphorically) before hand-to-hand contact is made. Lest you or someone you know falls into one of these three categories, look for any of these signs and try to pull yourself or them out of a bad habit. You might as well get something from your handshake. Why take on all those germs for nothing? Save those for sneezing into your sleeve.

• Standing too far away. If you are a little off balance or feeling a stretch in your right glut, then move in a little. I am not suggesting you trade Tic Tacs – just get inside the bubble. If your arm is fully or even mostly extended, you are too far away. You might as well wave.

• Physically moving away while still grasping hands. Come on, you know you have had this happen to you. Or have you been the one? Usually the head goes first, then the body attached to the arm, which is attached to the hand follows. No matter how it happens the person on the receiving end is left feeling unimportant and even insulted as in ‘why bother’.
  
  
• Eye contact so fleeting that it might just be a twitch. If you are a sixteen-year-old boy, this might be understood. But not before or after that age.
  
  
• The wimpy boy, girl, man or woman. There is nothing left to be said on this subject. Just do it.
  
  
• The vice grip. See lesson above.
  
  

Now back to my original observation that bad handshakes are still all over the place. Do yourself a favor. Get up from your computer right now. Go shake someone’s hand and ask them to rate you on a 1–5, with 5 being the best. Then walk around and tell other people you are rating them on the same 1–5 scale. Let’s start a movement to fix the handshakes of the world. Okay, so not the world but maybe just your block.

What does your handshake say about you?

zblog readers: While I am away at trial helping attorneys better communicate to a jury, I thought it was time to get the M in ZMF involved in the blog. My partner, Pat McEvoy is taking my place this week as your resident communication expert. I'll be back next week ...Theresa


We make impressions on the people we meet in the first three seconds. What does that usually cover? Introductions and handshakes. In the first three seconds you have the opportunity to make a good first impression or a bad one.

If someone taught you how to shake hands well, congratulations. Most of us just started doing it unconsciously and continue doing it well or badly. There has been a lot written on the importance of touch, the rituals of meeting, the anthropology of handshakes. Here are the Cliff Notes.

So, what makes a good first three seconds? Here are the eight parts.

1. Look someone in the eye.
2. Say your name.
3. Repeat their name. Act like you are glad to meet them.
4. Put your hand out where they can see it. Eagerly, not a limp noodle.
5. Try to engage as much palm as you can.
6. Grasp firmly, but not tightly. As firm as they are then a click more.
7. Move hand up and down one or two times.
8. Let go. Eye contact again.
   

Here are the two common mistakes:

1. Limp grip. Ever shake hands with someone who gives you two or three limp fingers? Very unsatisfying.


2. Vertical instead of horizontal hands. Men sometimes do this when they shake women’s hands. They hold the hand like they are going to kiss it. The woman should make the first move and put her hand out with the thumb straight up. That sends the message nonverbally, “I am not afraid and I’m coming in for a good handshake.”
   

There are many variations of handshakes and it is fun to watch for them.

• The double handshake: one person puts the other in a hand sandwich. The effect is warm and sincere and the reason is you can get more palm contact that way. Sometimes both people make hand sandwiches—showing even more sincerity.


• Holding the hand after the shake. Usually this feels very intimate or like special meaning is intended.


• Looking down during the handshake: this communicates lack of confidence or you don’t want to meet them.


• Looking around during the handshake: this communicates arrogance. You are too busy and are looking for a more important person to meet.


• Variations on the power lock: one person puts the non-shaking hand on the forearm, upper arm or shoulder. This can feel warm and friendly and it can feel like they are jockeying for power. In general, powerful people touch less powerful people much less than the reverse and it can feel like the power locker is pushing you around. Lyndon Johnson was said to be a master at this.

Still think handshakes are minor details? It could mean the difference between getting the job or not—and may say a lot about your personality.

So, what handshake variations have you observed? Did anyone ever teach you how to shake hands or was it do-it-yourself?